The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
