I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I cannot find my penis.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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