so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
