I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
