I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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