Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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