She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
