so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
