Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
