best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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