My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
