he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
