I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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