You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
