oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
