No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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