The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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