oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
