Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize