dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
