y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
