I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
