you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
