cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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