Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
