Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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