I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
