imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
