Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My liver just had a heart attack.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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