she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
