3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
