The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I would ride that face into the sunset
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize