Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
