Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
