He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
