so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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