I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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