From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
