I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
