Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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