All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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