im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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