i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
