i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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