I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
