so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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