if i can run in heels then i can drive
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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