im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
