can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
