Plan B is the new Plan A
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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