man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize