I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
