So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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