i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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