i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize