I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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