The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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