She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
