mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Let's get the cat blown out
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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