dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I FOUND THE LEGS
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think I just sharted jello shots
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