every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize