My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
